Rise Above: Second Thoughts Better than the First

As a child and adolescent therapist, a session sometimes starts with a recounting of the day as follows: Sarah spilled her cereal this morning. “This is going to be the worst day ever!” On the school bus, her best friend had extra bags and couldn’t make room for them to sit together. Sarah simultaneously thought and muttered “Jerk!”. Arriving at school, her first class was her least favorite, math. Sarah’s mood plummeted and she talked back to her teacher. And so it went…

Her day wasn’t dashed because of the cereal or the school bus seat, but because of her immediate thoughts about those experiences. We all have quick, automatic responses to our world, and they can trigger our behaviors. Sarah called her only friend a jerk today. She felt horrible about it.  I call these FIRST THOUGHTS. They are informed by the emotional parts of the brain and not the rational part. Here are some examples of FIRST THOUGHTS (with the nature of the instinct in parentheses):

1. I only want what I want, and I want it now. (Inflexibility)
2. I'm bad at this activity; I must avoid it! (Insecurity, low self-confidence, anxiety)
3. Hey! You jerk! (Egocentrism, reactive frustration/anger when things don’t go their way)
4. no, No, NO!! (Uber-control=oppositional defiance)
5. Everything stinks! This is the worst day EVER! I hate this school! (Distortion, negative thinking cycles)

When your child reacts ineffectively to something or someone, they reveal their FIRST THOUGHT. In teaching child-friendly Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy coping skills over two decades, I noticed a fabulous trend. After an emotional eruption or social miscue, with time and space to think through the reaction, my clients like Sarah were brilliant at identifying resilient thoughts and coping plans. It’s almost as though Sarah said to me, “on SECOND THOUGHT, I could have asked to sit in the seat behind my friend.” Brilliant!

I contemplated, “What if I taught my clients the process of gradually moving their “SECOND THOUGHTS” closer to real time? Perhaps they could even eliminate the unhelpful FIRST THOUGHT entirely.”

Inspired, I began teaching a coping skill called, "RISE ABOVE: SECOND THOUGHTS BETTER THAN THE FIRST”. My clients brainstormed for SECOND THOUGHTS and loved it! Here are sample SECOND THOUGHTS to RISE ABOVE the sample thoughts I listed above. "On SECOND THOUGHT"...

1. Maybe I can compromise or get may way later to keep everyone calm and happy. (Flexibility and compromise)
2. I can watch the activity for a while and then try it. (Realistic expectations, self-compassion)
3. I'll get help from a grown-up or take a break. (Coping)
4. I will cooperate, so I don't cause an argument or get in trouble. (Anticipating and avoiding negative consequences)
5. Well at least I still can/have ______. (Seeing the silver lining and resilience)

If you would like to reinforce this for yourself or with your child, here are helpful discussion questions:

• Why are SECOND THOUGHTS usually better than FIRST THOUGHTS?
• What are your usual/predictable FIRST THOUGHTS (behaviors) that you make you need to RISE ABOVE?
• Build on existing strengths. Ask your child what they "ROSE ABOVE" today. Some kids have a hard time remembering. You can dig deeper with, “Was there something you could have gotten upset about but you didn’t?” or “Tell me when you started having an unhelpful reaction, but you THOUGHT AGAIN.”
• If your child faces adversity or heads down an unhelpful path, redirect with, "Can you RISE ABOVE THIS? Your FIRST THOUGHT IS ____[name it]_____. What’s another way to THINK about this situation?"

A final note: some kids’ SECOND THOUGHTS arrive minutes or hours after the fact. Don’t view that as a failure. Treat any SECOND THOUGHT, even hours later, as a baby step in the right direction and give congratulatory high fives and hugs liberally. With ample repetition and positive reinforcement, your child can move realistic SECOND THOUGHTS ever closer to real time. Keep RISING ABOVE!